SP1304 User Manual
by sidouxamer
Summary: There's no other way to describe Sam Puckett than an extremely, extremely complex robot. Metaphorically speaking, of course. A complex, dense and confusing girl robot. One that comes with an instruction manual, fortunately. Rated T for future chapters.
1. Chapter 1

SP1304

Preface

There's no other way to describe Sam Puckett than an extremely, extremely complex robot. A complex, dense and confusing girl robot. One that comes with an instruction manual, fortunately. Ten years ago, I never would have understood why she is the way she is. Slowly, I began to work my way around this girl's brain. I've had my fair share of cuts and bruises (literally and metaphorically) doing this, but hey, I'm still here. Use the manual wisely and carefully. I only spent ten years writing it.

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**1.1 Safety**

Read these simple guidelines. Not following them may be dangerous or illegal (seriously). Read the complete user guide for further information.

1. Approach Safely  
Do not try to act nice when you first meet her. Simply raise an eyebrow and nod in her direction. The consequences may be deadly.

"_Hi, I'm Freddie. Carly's friend." I stuck out a hand and flashed a huge grin at the pretty blonde girl Carly had introduced me to. She took one look at me and scrunched up her face in disgust. _

"_Eww. I don't have time to talk to nubs like you. Carly, did he put a spell on you or something? Why'd you bring him here?"_

"_Sam! Be nice. He just moved in next door, and I thought it'd be nice to show him around so he can make new friends."_

"_I'll be nice to normal people. Look at him; he looks like one of those wieners that locks himself in his bedroom and plays with Galaxy Wars action figures."_

"_Hey! I do not-That is offensive! I'm sitting right here!" I huffed. She raised an eyebrow at me and snorted._

"_You call _that_ offensive? I'll show you offensive."_

"_Wha-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" I didn't even finish the first word before she took me by the arm and flipped me over onto the floor. Yeah. I got flipped by a tiny blonde girl. How emasculating can this get? _

_I ended up with a sore rear end for three whole weeks.

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2. Road Safety Comes First

No matter what she does, obey all local laws. Always make sure she is at least two meters away from you when crossing the street, and always have her sit in the backseat while driving, so that she is not in the position to physically distract you. Your first consideration while driving should be road safety.

_The three of us stood waiting for the green man to appear so that we could cross the street. I made the huge mistake of walking slightly faster, hence standing in front of Sam._

_"Move your head, Frednerd. I can't see anything with a giant goop of dork in my face."_

_"Make me." Bad move, Freddie. Baaaaaaad move. With one shove, she pushed me into the street, my arms flailing as I struggled to keep balance. With a giant truck coming my way, I ran the rest of the way across the street, glaring at her as I did. She had a significant smirk plastered on her face. That darned girl. I felt a tap on my shoulder. Uh-oh._

_"Excuse me, son. I'm 'fraid I'm going to have to charge you for crossing the road on a red light." _

_*_

_Since my mom finally agreed to let me get a car, I've been driving myself and the girls to school everyday. Today, however, Carly had been sick, so it just the demoness and I That's never good news... I should never have let her sit in the front with me._

_"Can I drive?" she fumbled around in my back pocket for my car keys. _

_"No, Sam. You don't have your license, and I don't think the population of Seattle are gonna be pleased to know that they'll be dying in the next half-hour." _

_"Puh-lease. I may be a non-geeky girl, but I game more than you do. I could fly a helicopter if I wanted to."_

_"Sam, the driving you do in gaming is not the same as actual driving."_

_"Pffft. Fine. You always ruin all the fun." she pouted and climbed in the front passenger seat. As I started the car, she began to observe the buttons on the dashboard. _

_"What does that do?" She pointed to a button as we pulled out of the building's parking lot. _

_"That opens the roof window. It's gonna rain soon. Don't push it." Had I not said 'Don't push it', she wouldn't have. And so the window slowly pulls back as rain drops begin to splatter onto my hand on the joystick. Yeah, I drive a stick shift. Impressive? Okay, not really._

_"Sam! Close the damned window! It's raining. You're gonna make the inside of the car wet!" I reached for the button, but she grabbed my arm and bit it hard, causing my other hand to let go of the steering wheel in attempt to free my other arm of her vicious teeth. It didn't hurt that much. I'd been bitten by her before, so it was kind of normalcy now. As I struggled to retrieve my arm from the grip of her girl fangs, my elbow hit the horn, causing about five other cars around us to flee in other directions, one running into a lamp post. It was only then that I realized that we were about to crash into a building wall._

_"SAM! JUMP OUT OF THE CAR! I'M SERIOUS!" She looked up from biting me, eyes widening, then fumbled with the door handle, as I did the same._

_"Okay, on three, we jump out." I nodded frantically._

_"One……Two…..THREE!" I flung the door open and jumped out, rolling onto my side as I did. I had my eyes squeezed shut, waiting to hear the loud crash to happen as my beautiful car would be destroyed. Ten seconds. I heard nothing. Nothing but the tires coming to a screeching halt. I forced one eye open, only to see the grinning demoness herself, casually walking towards me, the car keys hanging from her fingers. _

_"Sam! Are you okay?!" I grabbed her shoulders and hugged her so tightly; I swear I was crushing her lungs if they hadn't so unfortunately been crushed already. _

_"Ew. Get your hands off of me, you dweeb." But she did nothing to push me off. "Both me and your car are fine." Wait. My car!_

_There it was, bare centimeters from the wall, completely unharmed. I saw the giant black lines the tires had made in the road, most likely from the extremely sudden brake. I was in awe. But how? I looked at her, eyebrows arched in disbelief. She merely gave her signature smirk._

_"_

_Told you mama could drive."

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3. Interference

Even if she is not within two meters of you, remember that sound is another distraction, whether it be behind the wheel or in normal stationary situations. Always keep a steady supply of junk food, preferably Fat Cakes, or crispy bacon.

_"And speaking of boys Carly doesn't want to go out with, ladies and gentleman- Fredemame Benson!" she gestured at me like an object as I approached them at their lockers. Too easy._

_"Girls who are rude to me don't get a bag of bacon." I smirked, dangling the baggie of crispy goodness in front of her. Her eyes burned with hunger._

_"_

_Wow, Freddie. Ineverrealisedwhatahandsomhunkofboyyouweregimmethat." She snatched the bag out of my hand.

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4. Keep Product Out Of Restricted Areas

Follow any restrictions. Keep the product out of restricted areas such as important meetings, occupied bathroom stalls (or vacant ones), janitors' closets, and away from sharp or destructive objects.

_"Alright guys. So this week, we have to prepare the promotion video for the winter carnival, which will be shown in assembly on Monday. Anyone have any ideas?" Shane shifted his glance around the circle, fiddling with the clipboard in his lap. I raised my hand._

_"Well, I was thinking that-" Just then the door flew open, to reveal none other than my arch nemesis. _

_"Sam? What on earth are you doing here?!" she came over to me and pouted, hands on her hips._

_"Frediiiiiieeee. You said you'd come to the mall with me today! Why are you sitting here with a bunch of geeks?" My face turned beet red. Why was she acting like this?_

_"Uh, no. I never said that, Sam. We're kinda having a meeting here. I'll speak to you later, okay?" I gently nudged her away, not wanting to act uncourteously in front of my fellow AV club members. _

_"Oh, so now I'm not as important to you as these people? You promised, Freddie! You promised. I-I thought you l-loved meeee!!" She wailed as tears streamed down her face. What? Why on earth is she crying? I nervously got up, taking her hand. _

_"Uh….excuse me for a moment, guys."_

_"Yeah, sure." The all mumbled awkwardly. I pulled her outside of the computer room and brought her into the hallway. I could just hear the other guys going "ooooooooooh."_

_I dragged her far enough down the hallway so they couldn't hear us._

_"Sam! Are you okay? Why on earth are you crying?" I grabbed her by the shoulders. She quickly wiped the tears from her cheeks, as a smile crept up on her face._

_"Nothing. I just decided that I was hungry, but I have no money on me, and Carly went home early."_

_"And so you decided to completely humiliate me in the middle of an AV club meeting? Do you realize that from now on they'll be making fun of me for this? They all think we're going out, and not only that- they think I'm a crappy boyfriend! Which I wouldn't be, but it's not even true, anyway! Gosh, Sam!" she just chuckled at my frustration. Why couldn't she have just beat me up and demand for money instead, like she always does?.  
"Okay, first off, I just wanted to borrow money. Or if you wanna ditch and come with me, that's fine, too, because I know you don't trust me with money. And secondly, consider yourself lucky that they think we're together. Just be glad that they think you have a girlfriend at all. All those dweebs in there would never get a girl even if they tried…except maybe Shane. He's hot."_

_"Gee. Thanks, Sam. That makes me feel soooooo much better."_

_"You're very welcome. Now are you gonna introduce me to your nerd friends or what?" she said, jokingly. I think. I rolled my eyes and reached into my back pocket._

_"Look. I'll give you ten bucks if you leave me alone for the rest of today .Okay?" She grinned, and plucked the ten out of my hands. She then peered over my shoulder. I could just feel the eyes of the AV club members on my back, peering around the door Scooby-Doo style. She looked back at me with a knowing smile, then, wrapping her arms around my neck, reached up and kissed my cheek quickly before sauntering- yes, sauntering- off down the hallway. She only took a few steps before she turned back around and blew me a kiss. That girl just pushes it too far sometimes._

_I shuffled my way back to the meeting room, where twenty grinning geeks stared at me, as if waiting for some kind of announcement. I slowly sat down and smiled._

_"I think that from now on, we should lock the door when we're having a meeting."_

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**_A/N: Well? Let me know what you guys think. Reviews are love :) Should I continue?_**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N**: **Okay, so you guys asked for more, so here's more :) Enjoy. I might not update till next week cos I've got tons and tons of homework to do :( But I will definitely update as soon as I can. :D**

SP 1304

**2 General Information**

2.1 About Your Device

The device described in this guide is approved for use on the human network only. Contact the service provider (Fredward Benson) for more information about networks.

When using the features in this device, obey all her demands, and respect her customs, despite how inhumane they may be. Also respect her privacy and 'legitimate rights', including her 'copyright' phrases, otherwise resulting in a possible physical injury to the crotch area (if you are male) or the eye (if you are female).

"_Fredweird. Go make me a sammich." She shoves me hard in the shoulder as we sit on Carly's couch watching some show called 'How to Hurt People enjoyably'._

"_No! Go make your own! And it's '_sand_wich' not 'sammich'."_

"_Whatever! It's a sandwich for Sam, so sammich it is."_

"_You can't just _invent_ words, Sam."_

"_Yes I can. Now go make me a sammich!"_

"_No! I refuse to have you push me around like this. I'm not your servant." I stood up frustratedly, fists clenched at my sides. She slowly stands up to face me and looks me up and down._

"_I am the Queen of All that is Awesome in the World. You will bow down to me and obey my every word." She cranes her neck up, standing tall, though I still have a god five inches towering over her._

"_Pffft. Yeah, right. Like I'm ever gonna bow down to-UNGH!" I scrunch my face up in pain, falling to my knees, bending towards the floor, trying to relieve the pain that throbbed in the lower area._

"_Told you you'd bow to me."_

_*_

"_He's not doing Food Fight anymore?!" she cries, clearly distressed and crestfallen._

"_He's not doing _anything _anymore!" Carly throws her hands up._

"_What? Why?!" we say in unison. Awkward…I turn around to face her, only to be greeted with a slap to the face. My instincts told me to slap her back, so I did. _

_10 minutes later…_

_I was just at my locker, exchanging books I wouldn't need for those I did, when I felt someone reaching into the back of my pants and pulling my underwear upwards. One day, I will have extremely deformed boxers (I finally convinced Mom to stop making we wear those anti-bacterial tighty-wighties)_

"_Geez, Sam! What the hell was that for?!"_

"_For hitting a girl." She reaches into my pocket and pulls out my wallet, taking out twenty bucks. "And _this_ is your overdue fee for using the same words as me." She waves the banknote in my face, and then grins, raising an eyebrow._

"_Nice boxers."_

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Keeping your mouth shut and performing the correct actions may prevent some physical and emotional damages being transferred onto yourself.

"_Please don't break my thumbs again!" I heard Gibby screech from across the hall. Sam had his shoved against a locker, fistfuls of his nerd sweater._

"_What are you doing?!" I strode over to them as she continued to slam his back against the locker. She turns around, her ice-blue eyes burning with fury._

"_I was _trying_ to do this boy favor, and he-" Gibby took this opportunity to make a run for it. The poor boy was more than happy to escape. Sam, on the other hand…_

"_You see what you did?! He got away!" she yelled in my face._

"_What happened?"_

"_I asked him to the stupid Girls' Choice Dance, and he said 'Naaaah, I'm good.'" She drawled, in attempt to imitate Gibby._

"_Did someone else already ask him?" _

"_No!" I couldn't help but snicker for a moment. It's not everyday that a nerd like myself gets to see the day when the person who constantly bullies me gets rejected. It wasn't all that loud, but she grabbed the front of my shirt anyway, almost lifting me by it._

"_I'm not laughing, I'm not laughing!!!!" I straighten my face as best I can._

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Your device may have pre-installed habits and third-party information. You may access these pieces of third-party information through your device, however, bear in mind that SP 1304 does not claim liability for them. If you choose to access such information, you should take precautions for your own security.

"_So how'd your date go?" I asked, genuinely interested._

"_None of your beeswax, you twerp."_

"_I was just asking."_

"_Well don't! I don't need you to butt into every aspect of my life! Just because I consider you as a 'friend', it doesn't mean you can ask me about my love life! Besides, what kind of guy asks this stuff anyway? You're such a pansy! I thought guys didn't give a crap about this mushy stuff, and even so, they just ask you out so that they can get you to beat the crap out of another guy that they're too chicken to beat up themselves! I mean, is it so much to ask for me to actually want to be a girly girl for once and not have to carry around a carton of milk to knock someone unconscious? Then they go, 'Oh, I had fun, but I don't think it's working out'. Like, what the hell!"_

_I brought up my protective shield that was the sofa cushion to my face as she began to pound her fists into it._

"_Ow! That hurts, Sam!"_

"_So?! It's not my fault you have sensitive muscles, or rather lack thereof."_

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Warning: To use any features in this device, other than through electronics, you must be in direct contact with it when referring to her. Do not speak of the product when she is not present, as this may result in severe head trauma, especially when the topic mentioned involves her parents, SP 0121 and JP 0223.

"_You freak! Why'd you tell Carly that my mom was a drunk?! I thought I told you never to tell a soul! You know she won't leave me alone now?! Until yesterday, she thought my dad died ages ago, and my mom was on a travelling bikini model! But no! You _had_ to go and tell her that my mom's a freaking drunk and I don't even know who my dad is!"_

"_Sam! We were just concerned for you! The last time I came to your place, you had thousands of letters concerning overdue bills scattered all over the floor along with empty beer bottles and stubbed out cigarettes. And Carly's your best friend! How could you _not_ tell her about it? I'm sure she would understand!"_

_That earned me an extremely messy nose bleed, not to mention major head trauma. Through the tears of pain spurting through my eyes, I could just make out that she, too, was crying._

"_That's just it! I _know_ she would 'understand'. I just don't want people treating me like their charity case, and you were the only one who appeared not to treat me any differently!" she paused for a moment. "Stop freaking bleeding on my bedroom floor! I actually bothered to clean it the other day!"_

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Remember to make back-up copies of any information she gives you, especially her birthday. It may be useful to keep a written record of all important information and details. When she is interacting with another human species, get to know them for detailed safety precautions. Do not connect your product with incompatible humans, such as the FB 8921 (her English teacher, Francine Briggs). The product is more fragile than she appears.

_Oh crap. Oh crap oh crap oh crap. I forgot today was her birthday. I didn't realize until Carly texted me this morning asking me what I got for her birthday. I am so screwed. What can I possibly get her in ten minutes? I don't have any food on me…none that she doesn't take off me on a daily basis, anyway._

"_Hey Carls, Fredweird." Uh-oh._

"_Sam! Happy Birthday!!!!" Carly squealed, then crushing Sam in a hug._

"_Whoa, breathing space, girl. And thanks." Carly reluctantly lets go, at which Sam raises her eyebrows at me expectantly._

"_Hey, uh. Happy Birthday, Sam." I rub the back of my neck nervously._

"_Thanks, doof." She finally says with a nod. Carly steps in between us, eager to shove her present into her friend's hands. Sam cautiously unwraps it, and breaks into a huge grin._

"_A gift voucher for free frozen yoghurt for a year? You know me well. Thanks" and then the same expectant look comes piercing at me again. I gulped._

"_You didn't get me anything, did you?"_

"_Er…well. No." she looks disappointed, but opens her mouth to insult me out of habit anyway._

"_Heh, you're such a-"_

"_Well, nothing materialistic anyway." She raises an eyebrow._

"_What do you mean?"_

"_Well, I'm gonna make you an offer. You can do whatever you want to me, and say whatever you want to me, and I won't complain or avoid it." That sounded like a good enough deal, even if it means another few trips to the nurse. She rubs her chin in deep thought._

"_Deal." _

"_Really?"_

"_Mmhm." She then started to walk off, but stopped beside me, reaching with her left hand to pinch my left buttock. I jolted in the unexpected contact. "See you around." I can _feel_ her smirk._

_Hey, at least she's not beating up on me._

_*_

"_How could Dagger-Boobs give me an F on the test? I did so well!"_

"_Uh, you only answered two of the questions, both of which were wrong, then you stuck your gum on the front of the test, handed it in, told her the test sucked, burped, then left." I reasoned._

"_So? I don't get credit for being charming?"_

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Also note: The way in which the product behaves may not necessarily correspond with what the product is thinking.

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2.2 Some Background Information

**Product Name**: Samantha Jane Puckett SB 1304

**Date of Release**: 13th April, 1993

**Occupation:** Student, Invisible Ninja

**Made in America**

**Current Available in**: Seattle, Washington

**Preferable Settings**: Wrestling, Pranking, Bullying, Eating, Sleeping, Reading (although she prefers for this particular piece of information to be confidential)

**Connectable Devices**: CS 1606 (Carly Shay), FB 2302 (Fredward Benson), SS 2105 (Spencer Shay)

**Power Type**: Runs best on Hickory Smoked Ham, although Fatcakes and Bacon are possible alternatives. Available in most grocery stores.

**Avoidable Settings**: Teachers, School, Work, Effort, Boredom, Academically Excellent People, Vegetables and other Healthy Foods.

**Parents/Guardians**: Father – Unknown  
Mother - Sarah Puckett Occupation: Drunken Gold-digger

**Other**:

Once dated JB 2103 (Jonah Brown), and PH 1705 (Peter Hills, also known as Pete)- Do not mention these two devices, as the product may respond irrationally.

Has two favorite punching bags, FB 2302 (Fredward Benson), and GG 1406 (Gibby Gibson)

Keeps a Swiss Army Knife in her pocket at all times

Locker may be connected to electrical security system- Please wear rubber gloves when handling

Rarely shows any sign of elegance or femininity; please contact the service provider if such an occurrence happens.

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**A/N: Reviews are love :) **


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